Diary of a Divorcee

What the actual fuck?!?!

Today has been so WEIRD!

First thing this morning, I get into a fight with the soon-to-be. He told me that he WASN’T going to give me half of the tax return now… he would be keeping all $3500 for himself. Um, no.

So, I had to get to the bottom of it. I ended up calling two of my girlfriends from down South where he lives. I got them to tell me pretty much everything about his life at the moment— his girlfriend in San Diego, his new white motorcycle, where he’s living, his new projects, what he’ll be doing for the next two weeks. Everything. What? I needed leverage.

I finally got to talk to him on the phone, when we got into a screaming match so loud that the horse trainer turned her radio down in the barn so she could hear us fight. Great. Hahah… I don’t really care. It’s just that I really need that money. I want it. It’s mine. I’m entitled to it. I’m not going to let him walk all over me any more than I already have!!! NO WAY!

So, I used all of that leverage, plus the fact that I am going to call his commanding officer. He didn’t like it one bit— nope. He’s freaking out. Especially when he heard the words “garnish your wages.”

In the end, he did give me the money, though. He transferred it electronically right into my account. Thank goodness! It’s not like I’m hard up or anything, it’s just that it’s mine. 

I’m still going to talk to his commanding officer, though. I’m really afraid for his state of mental health. He’s not doing very well at all… I’m worried that he’s going to do something rash. Just today he threatened harm on himself.

This has gotten so serious. I never thought it’d be happening like this.

Still, between all of my conversations with him, I found enough time to have a nice day of shopping with my Aunt and Gram. I got a new pair of really cute MissMe jeans and two new Lucky Brand shirts. I love them!

Really? My priorities are clearly in order.

Well, I guess life can’t be all bad…

I’m going to have to get really busy tomorrow on my house. It’s high time that I tore this place apart and cleaned it from top to bottom. I’ve got five loads of laundry to put away, to change the sheets, dusting, and my bathroom could use some freshening up. The calcium in the water here makes everything look more dirty than it already is!

Instead of doing all that tonight, my friends and I are having a mid-week meet up. We’re going to host a little going away party for “The Llama’s” (Sister’s boyfriend) going away party. He’ll be training in Missouri for two weeks. Really, it’s just an excuse to get together and have cocktails! I’m excited!

So, I guess I better go. I’m debating on taking another shower, though. I feel like I need to wash all of this “bad juju” off of me.

Despite the fact that I was a little let down by my salary package not being submitted to me this afternoon, my dad not being able to make it to our family dinner because of a work obligation, my housework not getting done because there aren’t enough hours in the day and I’m not going to mop and put clothes away at 10 o’clock at night, and the boy calling my by his ex’s name in a bout of half-asleep exhaustion— it’s been a pretty good and productive day.

Sometimes I feel like I could control more of my life if I tried harder.

I think there’s a name for that… maybe it’s ambition.

I don’t know.

Could it be gumption?

Maybe…

I’m feeling just a little bit unfulfilled at the moment.

It feels pretty darn good:

• Work: Get entire list done
• Laundry: jeans, darks, colors, whites WASHED AND FOLDED
• Lunch with Aunt
• Costco: buy a ton of stuff
• Food4Less: buy a few things
• Put everything away (including laundry!)
• Work some more
• 5 PM: Meet at mom’s house
• Pho for dinner
• Hang out with mom
• Send edited photo packet for approval

I’m so close to being done with my work for the day… I know, I know!

How could I possibly have done all of my work and it’s only 9:30? Well, that’s what happens when you have an easy work from home job. It’s going to be sad once I actually accept the job that I’ve been in process with for over two months now.

Speaking of that, my salary offer is supposed to be submitted to me this afternoon and I am ABSOLUTELY FREAKING OUT! What if it isn’t enough? What if they try and screw me over based on the fact that I don’t have very much work history in the industry? What if, what if, what if?

I’m just going to have to roll with the punches here… and take the job no matter what. That way, at least I will be able to start the divorce proceedings with the aid of my (cousin) lawyer. I feel stagnant right now, like I am just waiting for life to happen and there’s not much I can do about it.

Here’s to hoping that at least by St. Patrick’s day (his brithday), he’ll be served!

I spent the first part of my morning working, which is typical. I didn’t get everything done, but I did do most of it… so at least that was good. Tomorrow I’m going to get really organized and prep myself for the entire week’s worth of work. It’s easier to do when I already have it done and all I have to do is copy/paste it into place.

Then, I got ready (had a bad hair day, damn this growing out process!) and went to my Grandma’s house. I curled her hair (she’s a 72 year old lady who has never used a curling iron on her own “meatball” hairdo, it’s terrible!) and ate breakfast. Next I went over to my Aunt’s house and wished her a happy birthday. We made plans today to go see Gone with Amanda Seyfried. It was terrible. Oh, so terrible! We had fun cracking up at the horribleness of the movie, though. Afterward we went to lunch.

I came home, worked a little more, then got the bright idea to try and get in contact with my soon-to-be. No such luck. Apparently, he’s TAD and can’t talk on the phone between 7 and 4. I text him back tonight, but still didn’t receive a text in return. The one I did get from him this afternoon was rude— “What do you want from me?” For one thing, I DON’T want your attitude, mister. Get a grip, man up, and start confronting this situation. You were the one who wanted this in the first place, now you have to deal with your decisions.

I did a few things around my apartment, like clean up and put the tags on my car (which had expired in December!). Then I went back down to my Aunt’s house where we watched a couple hours of The Waltons (her choice, not mine!) and laughed some more. We went out to a (horrible) family dinner at a Mexican food restaurant that I hate, which was a nice time. Afterward I immediately called a friend to clear up some drama we had this weekend.

Apparently, her feelings were hurt when Hillary told her that she was too skinny, “scary skinny,” if I remember correctly. Then, she brought me into it with a bunch of other comments that were made. So, I had to talk to her for an hour to set her straight. Sometimes things get misconstrued, which was exactly the case in this situation. We set them right, though, and now everything is fine. Thank goodness. I hate it when people are mad at me.

I just got off the phone with the boy, who was so exhausted that he fell asleep while talking to me. He was running off of four hours of sleep. He was so delirious that he told me something that he’s not supposed to tell me— those three little words. Yep. He said them. When he did, my heart about jumped out of my throat. It felt so strange. He’s said it before in person, too, and my heart did the same thing then. It freaks me out. I really like him… and it’s not going to end well, I can feel it.

I think it is time to curl up in bed with my collection of Noir, and fall asleep. It’s late, I have a busy week… and I don’t want to burn the candle at both ends. I really hope tomorrow is a better day. I felt off today, not 100% off, just off. The hair was wrong, I have these bug bites, the drama was bothering me. Ugh… Tomorrow, please be good!

Goodnight, all…

xoxo

He’s filed taxes for both of us… The only thing in concerned about is the refund. I want my half of the $3k!

I’ve been trying to get a hold of my soon-to-be for the past two days now. Yesterday morning I emailed him, it was something along the lines of this:

“G,

Have you heard any more about our income tax refund? Please let me know.

Thanks,

K”

No response— and I know he checks his email at least twice a day, once in the morning and once at night. So why is he avoiding me? It’s making me a little paranoid.

I tried to call him from a blocked number yesterday afternoon, too, because the phone that he’s been paying for has been dead for the past ten days. He didn’t answer, of course.

Again this morning, I tried calling, this time leaving a message. He hasn’t bothered to call me back yet. So, I went digging for my old phone, put it on the charger and left it there for 30 minutes before it would even turn on. A message popped up on the screen finally:

“I was really disappointed in our conversation the other. Sorry. We need to work together.” It was from all the way back on February 17th.

Reading this gets me all riled up again for some reason. It’s like, “We need to work together?” Really?! How the hell am I supposed to work with you when you are 400 miles away and don’t give a crap about me? How am I supposed to make anything work when we only talk once every ten days, and that’s pretty much for me to ask you about the divorce, taxes and our finances? How are we ever going to finish this chapter in our lives if you don’t have any contact with me? Why did you even do this in the first place? What the hell!?

Sometimes I don’t know what to do… I just want to get this figured out. I want it to be over with. I want to move on.

The spots on my neck have finally been figured out!

It’s an allergic reaction to the necklace I was wearing. It got wet and then it made me react because I didn’t dry it all the way off!

I’m so freaking glad I don’t have fleas! I was scared that I was really turning into a dirty pirate hooker!

Obsessing over: These effing bug bites on my neck. WHAT THE ACTUAL F*#K!?!?!? I think they are flea bites from hugging around on goats at the barn sale. I’m freaking out that I have fleas in my bed now. I’m going to sterilize the hell out of my house this morning.

Working on: Taking a quick break from work right now… I have things to do for my clients. Ugh….

Thinking about: My soon-to-be and wondering why he hasn’t emailed me back… I think I’m going to call him from my grandma’s house today. That ought to scare him.

Anticipating: My day o’ fun with my Aunt. It’s her birthday today!

Drinking: Nothing, I need a mug of hot tea right now though…

Wishing: That the newspaper would come a little early with their offer, that the offer was fantastic, and that I lived happily ever after with the job.

(because it can’t all be bad)

Stuff from this weekend:

• Putting makeup on Schroeder for Hillary’s “Dead Celebrity” birthday party. I got to do a black face on him because he went as Gary Coleman, almost peed my pants in the process.
• Waking up to the following in my iPhone’s google search history: (tipsy me googled these) 2Pac “How Do You Want It” lyrics, squirrel taxidermy ebay, Aaliyah death date, Brita filters, ways to get seaweed smell off of clothes
• Waking up to Fergie (guy) banging around in the hallway trying to find a ride home, telling him to never call me “bro” again. Laughing at his ridiculousness.
• Seeing the house in it’s massacred state: couches pushed together to make a nest for Britt, the coffee table with the hooves in the kitchen, a counter full of edamame, mac and cheese, two bottles of liquor and 100 beer cans. Classy.
• Going to the breakfast joint totally hungover and looking like hot messes. Laughing at the caliber of people in there… we weren’t the worst looking ones.
• Finding out that the nickname I call Schroeder (not his real name) is something that he hates because kids in school teased him and called him that. It rhymes with his first name, that’s why I can’t post it…

It seems like this afternoon and evening just weren’t for me…

As soon as I left Hillary and Schroeder’s house, I felt the insane urge to start crying. I don’t know exactly why, though. Could it be because I don’t like where I’m living? I mean, sure, I like it enough. But I feel like I’m being watched 100% of the time, and I am. Is it because I’m nervous about this job offer? What about the soon-to-be? He’s not even in process of being ex-ified yet because of the job. Plus, I’ve turned that phone he pays for off, so he can’t get a hold of me unless it’s via email— and he hasn’t done that. Is it because I’ve spent entirely too much money last week?

It’s probably a sum of all of those things.

Either way, I’m feeling entirely too much right now. I could use a xanax or a rubber mallet. I only have one on hand, though, and I’m not sure I want to use it up. I only have a few left before I have to call the doctor again.

Anyhow… here’s to hoping I can sleep well.

Goodnight.

Really, I feel like there are butterflies fluttering all around, unicorns dancing downstairs and that the sun is shining just for me. It’s such a cliche’, but I feel that amazing.

It’s Friday— which is always welcome.

I’m going to have a great day, which is even better.

Here’s how it’s going to go:

• Wake up, do a little work, listen to the new Fun. album
• Take a shower, get ready, look amazing
• Maybe see that new Tyler Perry movie with my Aunt (not my choice, nothing’s playing though)
  
• Lunch
• Go to my mom and dad’s house, dig around for my Lucy dresses, hang out with my doggy, deposit my check, hope my Naked2 palette gets delivered early
• Check out Target, maybe get a few undies, shirts
• Pick up LouEllen from school
• PEDICURE, MANICURE! *YAY!!!!!!!
• Mall?
  
• Let the wind blow me wherever I want to go
• My options include: sushi with my boy, hanging out with friends, movie at home, etc.
  

I’ve got to wake up early tomorrow for the barn sale we’re having, so… I can’t get crazy! Plus, we’re going out tomorrow night hard, so I want to save my energy.

I’m having a freakin’ blast!

Obsessed with:

• anything chili/lime flavored
• Caburry creme eggs
• sex
• station wagons

Seems legit, right?